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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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♪ >> i think i'm ready. are you ready? >> stephen i'm ready on day 1. >>stephen: no i mean about the sandwiches. >> >>announcer: tonight, stephen whroms hillarwhromtion hillary . jesse tyler ferguson, katharine mcphee and a musical performance by sturgill simpson.
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featuring jon batiste and stay human. captioning sponsored by cbs and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >>stephen: how are you? welcome to "the late show." thank you so much, please everybody, thank you so much,
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welcome to stlaits. i'm stephen colbert. i don't know about you but for some reason, feel like pepperroni pizza. it is great to be back! i missed you guys. when i'm not on television very few people cheer for me. when i walk into the room. this land over the weekend. hey, have you guys seen this video of johnny depp and his wife amber heard apologizing to the country of australia? here is what happened we were talking about this before. they were caught sneaking their dogs pistol and boo -- fine dog names -- sneaking them into australia without declaring them. that's illegal. they could have gone to jail for ten years. but the aus sufferingies let
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them off. as part of the pleas deal they made this of them being very sorry. >> >> australia is a wonderful island with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people. >> it has to be protected. >>australia is free of many pests and diseases that are common place around the world. that is why australia has to have such strong bio-security laws. >> and australians are just as unique. both warm and direct. when you disrespect australian law, they will tell you firmly. >> i am truly sorry that pistol and boo were not declared. protecting australia is important. >> declare everything when you enter australia. (laughter) >>stephen: that was right from the heart. from the heart, totally convincing be apology until you zoom the picture out.
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they keep the bullets in the pouch. this video truly touched me and it made me realize, that i too owe australia a very, very big apology. >> australia is an island surround he by a sea of be blooming onions. >> and these men who make you do these videos. >> i'm truly sorry, that we failed to declare our dogs sparkles, lurch and pair keiths. >> the funky bunch nor my two fair ridicule ferrel hogs.
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>> australia is a magical country where the toilets flush backwards. >> this woman is not my wife. i'm truly sorry for smuggling her into your country. she bites. >> i will now perform your beautiful national anthem. are give my a vegemite sandwich [ sound effects ] (cheering and applause)
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>> please forgive me, australia, you truly are home of the whopper. speaking of beautiful music, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ♪ ♪ ♪ >>stephen: i am so grateful to johnny depp. that is as close as i will ever be to being in any way as attractive as him. i want to thank him if he's watching and i hope you are. thank you for the sexy bar just for one video. jon you got somebody sitting with the band tonight. who do you got? >>jon: that's right, jazz saxophonist mr. duane shorter!
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(cheering and applause) >>stephen: duane thank you so much for being here. nice to have you. good luck with the jazzing tonight. good luck. of course to follow the news, the new york primary is tomorrow. so if you're a voter in this state, you're going to want to ay, remembah-boutit! i'm paraphrasing of course. this is the road to the white house. ♪ ♪ >> you dang well knew i wasn't safe before you took me in! >>stephen: now last thursday, the democrats, hillary clinton and bernie sanders squared off in a wide ranging debate. but the subject really stood out
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to me. bernie sanders be on energy policy. >> what you do do, what you do do is say that we are going to have a massive program, and i had introduced legislation for 10 million solar rooftops. >> stephen: i see what you're saying, senator. we need an "all of the above" energy policy but with greater focus on renewables. also, i'd like to point out: you said do-do. (laughter) be >>stephen: am i right about that? >> do do. >> stephen: yes, you did-did. and it really, really made bernie seem presidential. in fact he remind me of jfk
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>> ask not what your country can do-do for you, ask where you can do-do for your country. >> stephen: just as true today. just as true today! (applause) >>stephen: that's the democrats. now, over on the republican side, ohio governor and vice principal you avoid at the grocery store, john kasich campaigned last week in brooklyn, no doubt hoping hipsters will vote for him "ironically." and while kasich was there, he met with members of the jewish community and enlightened them about the high holiday of passover. >> it's a wonderful, wonderful holiday for our friends in the jewish community-- the passover. the great link between the blood that was put above the lamp posts, the blood of the lamb, as jesus christ is known as the lamb of god. >> stephen: this, of course, brings us to the traditional questions of passover: why do we eat bitter herbs?
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why is this night different from all other nights, and why are we talking about jesus right now? (laughter) (applause) be >>stephen: point is i think this is great. john kasich has made sure that when jews go to the polls tomorrow, they'll see his name on the ballot and think "mmm, pass over." (cheering and applause) >>stephen: of course, kasich is doing better in new york than ted cruz, who famously attacked what he called "new york values." so instead of him campaigning a lot, cruz is sending out his wife heidi, a former new york resident, who shared some fond memories. >> new york does hold a very very special place in my heart. as i mentioned, this was the state of my first job out of college. i love the smell of new york. (laughter)
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>>stephen: i'm sorry, didn't you say you lived here? nobody likes the smell of new york. even the statue of liberty lit a match. (laughter) >>stephen: but maybe i'm -- but maybe i'm wrong. maybe heidi cruz is on to something. so i sent a camera crew out to talk to real new yorkers to find out what their city smells like. take a whiff. ♪ ♪ >> new york smells like chest nuts. >> so far i would say pizza and urine. >> like a wet homeless lady touching my face i'm not kidding. >> it smells really good ♪
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♪ it smells really bad. >> other than that it smells like traffic, cars. >> batman sweat. >> what is batman sweat? >> sweat that comes off batman! it's obvious. >> cleaning solvents in subway station, decaying stench of old fluids. >> some place it's bad, we got big rats. >> stephen: okay. all in all: not too bad. oh, there's one more thing new york smells like. >> doo doo. >> stephen: thank you, senator. we'll be right back with an exclusive interview with hillary clinton. are ♪ ♪ ♪ >> "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored 50 budweiser,
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♪ ♪ ♪ >>stephen: welcome back everybody! as i was saying be earlier, thanks so much everybody. the jazzing is getting very jazzy during commercial break. as i was saying
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earlier, tomorrow is the all-important primary, here in new york, one of america's top 50 states. (laughter) >>stephen: so to get some insight into the election, i invited secretary clinton to lunch at the world famous carnegie deli. secretary clinton thank you so much for talking to me today. >> it's great to be here with you. >>stephen: thank you for meeting me in the carnegie deli where they serve sandwiches as big as a baby's head. >> i was actually hungry and i stopped by to spent time with you. is. >>stephen: your husband is a vegan? he's not going to give you grief? >> no. >>stephen: he's not a smug vegan? like that sandwich is somebody's baby? he doesn't say anything like that? >> he's an open-minded vegan.
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>>stephen: what is the worst thing you have to eat at a public event? you don't have to say what state. people know it's iowa. >> right. >>stephen: they'll fry anything and put it on a stick. >> when you are walking around the fair you don't want to stop subtle down and eat. if you get it on a stick dashes. >> you don't have to be denied meat. >> that's 100% right. >> politics seem to be finding common ground. >> right. >>stephen: what do you have in common with your likely opponent donald trump other than the fact you have beautiful daughters and you both were at his wedding? >> i'm not sure yet. i'm not sure what i have in common with him. however when you are president and you're working with the congress there are lots of opportunities to find common ground. >>stephen: why do you want to go back to washington, d.c? whenever i'm down there i want to get out of there as fast as i
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can. >> well that's where our seat of government is. >>stephen: the republicans are like a meat slicer. they are ready to run you through that, why would you want to go through that again? >> when i actually have a job as opposed to run for a job, i actually get something done. as first lady, senator, secretary of state -- >>stephen: you could -- >> you could have even ten or 15. this is one of those efforts you have to get up and work on every single day. you have to be willing to find whatever common ground exists and then try to make something good happen. >>stephen: you're a grandmother and you have got another grandchild on the way, i understand. >> that's shrill true. >>stephen: are you a cool grand pla? are you going to let them eat whatever they want? >> i'm going to be subversive. >> and what about your husband? >> he is so head over heels in
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love with our granddaughter. >>stephen: does he go good news we've got kale chips? >> i don't think he would deprive his grand child. >>stephen: how about my impression, is it good? >> it is. >>stephen: close your eyes, maybe he's here. last week in new york you went to junior's and you didn't have any cheesecake. why not? you said you wanted it but didn't want to eat in front of the press. what's the deal? >> >> it's awkward eating in front of the press. >>stephen: they wanted you to eat in front of them didn't they? >> of course, so they could get a funny shot, something so drop out of your mouth, you could smear on your face. >>stephen: first of all, you want to use a fork, take up just a little bit off the top, and then eat as much as you want. >> (laughing). >>stephen: serious!
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>> (laughing). >>stephen: this humanizes you in front of the press. >> i clearly need to do that. you've given me a great way to think about how to do this now. >>stephen: then you offer this to the press. yes, does anybody have any insulin? this is lovely. >> thank you so much. >>stephen: our pleasure. >> i've enjoyed it so much. >>stephen: you okay if we split that? >> i'm fine with that. >>stephen: i'll be right back. >> okay. you travel a lot. because i do. that's why i use they make finding and booking a room simple so i can spend more time doing other things... like packing. perhaps i spent too much time packing.
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>>stephen: welcome back everybody. my first guest tonight stars as mitchell pritchett on abc's "modern family." he's now on broadway in the one-man play "fully committed." please welcome jesse tyler ferguson! ♪ >> a standing ovation! >>stephen: no one add home knows that. yes exactly. i love this outfit. >> thank you. >>stephen: this is springtime, fantastic springtime! i expected you to wear a straw boater. >> exactly. three other people and i can do seasonal barber shop. >>stephen: the reason
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everybody was standing up and plotting and chanting, is because of your character mitchell on "modern family." in its seventh season. >> we have one more to shoot and we'll see what happens after that, yeah. >>stephen: now during the break between seasons you're in broadway for the first time in ten years. >> yes, i'm doing a one man play. it's called be wholly committed. not about a crazy person, boob reservationist, i play guinneth paltrow's assistant bryce. i play about 40 characters.
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>>stephen: are these other actors who are could have had these parts mad at you? >> not this time around. >>stephen: spotlight on daddy. >> it's been hard, a lot of work, i have to do vocal warm jums. >>stephen: how do you prepare to do 40 characters? >> thank you. i start ed memorizing the play, it's a 90 page script, every word on that script is mine to say. i started memorizing it in october, and done! here's the new version and i'd have to start over. >>stephen: did you memorize character by character? >> it's a run through five pages and memorize and go to the sixth page, it was a very slow process. >>stephen: these are all people who either work at this
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high end restaurant -- >> calling in yeah. >>stephen: how high end we're talking about. this is restaurants like per se and -- >> like $850 a person. >>stephen: people do crazy things to get a reservation. >> they can be very be crazy things, anything between 7:30 and 8:00. tooth claw and nail to get in. >>stephen: you're famous person now! >> i am? >> hi, i have jesse tyler ferguson on route now. but i've name-dropped myself and they don't care. that was hard on my ego, i call
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myself and pretend to be my own personal assistant. >>stephen: he's got a personal assistant he must be somebody. >> sometimes they don't really care, that's fine. i'm not like do you know who i am? >>stephen: because they don't know who are? that's too bad, they should. >> i had just picked up i was on the cover of a magazine, and i had just picked it up from the news stand because i had to buy it myself and i had it rolled up and it was under my arm and i'm going to stop in this place, trying to get a reservation, and they were fully booked. i slowly unrolled the magazine and they didn't care! (applause) >>stephen: too bad. are you like a foodie person? >> yes, i am. >>stephen: did you have to do research and go to these places? >> i'm more like a casual dining
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person but i went to these michelin five stars, 11 madison park and per se, jean george, very fancy institutions. >>stephen: i don't even know -- >> maybe some day you can get in, i'll help yah. they are a well-oiled machine. you drop a napkin and nine people come and pick it up and fold it into a swan. it's astonishing. >>stephen: do you fashion yourself as a food person? >> i have a food blog. do i fashion yourself as a >> i bought a house, a woman who's a chef and i inherited this very nice kitchen and i'm
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very ambitious. i was cooking paleo, for a while. apparently this this new fangled version of it you can actually cook things. and i decided to try a moose. and you can't do a lot of sugar, you can't do cream in paleo. >>stephen: the knee a knee an r were very into moose. >> it tasted like poo. en. >>stephen: the word you need is do-do. >> it was wrong in so many ways. it immediately browned, you hit
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the air for 30 seconds, it was awful. >>stephen: do you do name cuisine? >> what is that? >>stephen: the thing that is mass produce flash fried and put in a tire phon styrofoam contai? >> talk about what i love to. >>stephen: your run for the border. >> i grew up in new mexico, be no. fonew mexico for my be frie. i love the meat it's probably not really meat. ,. >>stephen: whether or not it is meat, one thing i know for certain they are our sponsor, thank you, gentlemen. is. >> delicious so delicious.
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do you like the new queso de lupa? >> soft taco kind of guy. >>stephen: is there a metaphor for that? be jesse tyler ferguson, full metaphor for that? be jesse tyler ferguson, full committecommity committed opens on broadway on april 25. jesse tyler ferguson, everybody! we'll be right back. i'm not taking one of those. that one! they gave authorities the slip, in a prius. now the four most-wanted men in the world are stealing our hearts. is that us? i think that's us! public support is at a fever pitch. what started as an amateur heist is now a global phenomenon. one does have to wonder, how long can this chase go on? look, we're trending! let me see that. we're famous! toyota. let's go places. if you misplace your you can use freeze it to prevent new purchases on your account in seconds.
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sof ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >>stephen: welcome back everybody. my next guest is one of the stars of "scorpion" right here on cbs. please welcome katharine mcphee! ♪ ♪ >> hello. >>stephen: hello. thank you for being here. >> wow i feel so good about myself. >>stephen: you should feel good about yourself. obviously, we all know you from idol. is it fun being a pop star? >> was i really a pop star? >>stephen: yes, was she a pop
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star? (cheering and applause) >>stephen: it's official, you have such a nice voice. >> thank you. >>stephen: now you're acting on "scorpion" on cbs. i haven't seen you sing much in "scorpion." >> i did, a show about saving the world. >>stephen: what would cause you to sing on a show like geniuses fighting evil masterminds? >> page the waitress has a history of being a sing are five years ago. i was like what, where does this come from? after i was giving an interview, saying page is never going to sing, guess what, page is going to sing. >>stephen: defuse a bomb by singing? >> no, she does to distract this african president, some nuclear
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melt down i'm sure. >>stephen: what did you sing? >> what did we sing? "the greatest love" it wasn't that. >>stephen: i came in third on idol. >> i must have missed that season. >>stephen: damn you, taylor hicks. oh that was the one you came in second to. >>stephen: harmonica is a crutch. >> it's not a real instrument. >>stephen: it is not, it's a party favor! it's a party favor! >> fun, we're doing well together. >>stephen: would you ever want to be a judge on american idol? >> no, no. >>stephen: you can't, it's off the air. >> it's over. i have a feeling would i not be a nice judge.
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>>stephen: not a nice person? >> no, i'm a nice person, i wouldn't be able to hide my honest opinion and therefore people think that's not being a kind person. >>stephen: if you are not giving them an honest opinion -- >> then you're a bad person. >>stephen: being nice is a terrible thing to do. >> that's true, very true. i would say no to that. >>stephen: did you watch it in the seasons after you were on? because it just went off like two weeks ago or something like that. >> right. >>stephen: did you watch the next ten years? >> maybe, maybe a little. >>stephen: wait a second, are you contractually obligated to say did? and not -- >> 90 wasn't. i didn't -- i think i fortunately came off the show and i was so lucky to be really busy and i don't really watch the kind of telephon -- televish as it is. >>stephen: that's fine.
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i'm not sure we're broadcasting now! (laughter) >>stephen: what is the worst thing that they said to you? >> simon called me an amateur at one point, which i was. you know i wasn't being paid to be there so he was right. >>stephen: you scheduled your shirts are ridiculously tight and your head looks like an eraser? >> i needed to -- >>stephen: let's get back to "scorpion" again. you're waitress who gets sucked into this group of super-geniuses. >> they need page's help. >>stephen: why do they need you again? not that you're not a nice person but why do they need a waitress? >> you just want to sing. >>stephen: i do but why do you help them? >> i help the normal people understand why they're such
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(bleep). >>stephen: i tell you something interesting, that is something we can't (bleep). here it is, we have a clip for you helping to interpret the world, a young person on a wall. >> it's pretty interesting. >> what's happening? extension cord to break our fall. >> not just an extension. you also have the law of conservation of angular momentum. things are going to happen real fast, okay look at me, please have faith. okay when i say now we step off. >> i'm just not going to look. >> i think that's wise, now! >>stephen: how great would it be if you were sing? promise me next time. >> maybe they'll do a musical show and you could guest-star.
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>>stephen: i would be honored. "scorpion" season 2 finale airs next monday at 9:00 on cbs. next monday at 9:00 on cbs. katharine mcphee, everybody! we'll be right back. e reates th. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days maybe he's shopping in an at&t store? get unlimited data and your fourth line free when you have at&t wireless and directv. plus, up to $650 in credits to help you switch.
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olive garden. like steve santarsiero, harrisburg politicians who will say or do anything to advance his career? he claims he wrote pennsylvania's gun safety law. but the truth is he didn't. there is no law requiring universal background checks for all gun purchases.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back everybody! you know, as a south carolinian, i've spent many a fight in a wax house. open 24 hours, and its menu has pictures so ordering doesn't require words. ah! ah! and every waffle house has a jukebox full of songs only about the waffle house. like this actual song. like this actual song. ♪ there's a lady ♪ waiting for me at the waffle house ♪ >> stephen: you get the idea. well, i want to get a song on the waffle house jukebox and are we've written the song already. and to try to achieve this, country star sturgill simpson is going to try to achieve this with me. come on out here.
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sturgill! sturgill is out here in a my knowledge to do the song he came to do. but sturgill. what would it mean to you to have a song on the waffle house jukeboxes? >> how do you give back to the awful wafl? >>stephen: i hope the waffle folks are watching this. the band is about to kick it, we're about to do it. this is "no shirt, no shoes, no knuckleheads." two, three, four... >> ♪ want some good food when your night out ends ♪ that big yellow sign is your new best friend ♪ they got waffles and bacon and coffee too but an all-star breakfast comes ♪ with some rules
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>> stephen: ♪ cuz this ain't no waffle zoo, it ain't no ♪ waffle barn it's place of waffle business ♪ run with style and charm save that rowdy biz for the ♪ other waffle shops follow the rules or someone's ♪ callin' the cops >> ♪ don't say no swears or write on the wall ♪ you can have your fun, son, but don't have a brawl ♪ no spitting, no yelling, no slip 'n slides ♪ and if you're gonna get sick better head outside ♪ don't sleep in the booth, save it for your bed ♪ no shirt, no shoes, no knuckleheads ♪ ♪ >> ♪ you're killin' your hangover but you're ♪ killin' my mood all these nice, upstanding families just came for some food ♪ if you're gonna cause a ruckus then i must object ♪ these are world famous waffles son, show some respect
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>> stephen: ♪ cuz this ain't a waffle circus or a waffle asylum ♪ you got problems with that, you better reconcile 'em ♪ you wanna be a drunken mess, you better do it at brunch ♪ cuz this house has rules and there's a bunch >> ♪ no drinkin, no druggin, don't show your behind ♪ don't build no evil robots for enslavin' mankind ♪ no skeletons or zombies cause we don't serve the dead ♪ no shirt, no shoes, no knuckleheads ♪ you want em scattered, smothered, covered ♪ listen what i said no shirt no shoes no knuckleheads ♪ >> stephen: waffle house, do the right thing! we'll be right back with more sturgill simpson! everybody, give it up!
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>> stephen: you know my next guest from his hit at the waffle house. his new album is #1 on itunes. here with the song "brace for impact, live a little." ladies and gentlemen, sturgill simpson! (cheering and applause) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> ♪ one day you wake up and this life will be over ♪ every party must break up for burdens to shoulder ♪ we're dying to live living to die ♪ no matter what you believe and all of us cry ♪ for the ones we must leave
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so go and live a little ♪ bone turns brittle and skin withers ♪ before your eyes make sure you give a little ♪ before you go to the great unknown in the sky ♪ some will beg for forgiveness from someone above ♪ for something they did to someone they love ♪ some scream like a baby
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some go out crying ♪ some bid the world goodbye and welcome to die ♪ go out and live a little bone turns brittle ♪ and skin withers before your eyes ♪ make sure you give a little before you go to the great ♪ unknown in the sky ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sturgill simpson's album, "a sailor's guide to earth" is available now! we'll be right back.
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ifbut find it harder and hardert to get by, you're not alone. while our people work longer hours for lower wages, almost all new income goes to the top 1%. my plan -- make wall street banks and the ultrarich pay their fair share of taxes, provide living wages for working people, ensure equal pay for women. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message because together, we can make a political revolution and create an economy and democracy that works for all and not just the powerful few.
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that's what congressman for wsestak did.ceos - sestak was one of only eight democrats to join republicans to allow ceos of bailed out banks to pay themselves unlimited bonuses using bailout money. an "outrage," according to newspapers. for working families - katie mcginty for senate. she'll invest in education, not ceo bonuses. and fight for pay equity for women. helping families - not wall street. katie: i'm katie mcginty and i approve this message.
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>> stephen: that's it for the be are late show everybody. please join us tomorrow when my guests will be kevin spacey from hbo's "silicon valley", thomas middleditch, and a musical performance by flaming lips. now stick around for our friend james corden. good night, captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready to have some fun. i feel the love tonight. everybody here it's really true. the "late, late show." >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from, give it


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